Hurry Up & Wait (The REDUX)

Yesterday was supposed to be the end for our second pregnancy. We were supposed to be in hospital for the day, with Sher receiving medication at regular intervals to prompt what is essentially an induced miscarriage. Instead we spent 7 and a half hours waiting for a doctor to see Sher. 

Yesterday was a good day up until hour 7, at which point both Sher and I had a sense of humour failure. We cracked jokes most of the day (the nurses and doctors all use the word poo-poo instead of stool, or any other derivative. Makes you feel like you're in kindie again.), played Words With Friends  (which is a battery hog!) and generally made the best of an ugly situation. The nursing staff here at Queen Mary are lovely. They are attentive and sensitive, well aware of why we are here. When they changed shifts the new nurse responsible for Sher's section of the ward came out to find Sher and make sure she was "safe". Truly lovely. I have very few complaints because Sher was with me pretty much the whole day!

But the doctor. Oh the doctor. After 7 and a half hours you'd think she'd approach us with a bit more caution. She didn't introduce herself, instead she launched into an apology for not coming earlier because she had an emergency C-section, and she wasn't aware of Sher's case. This neither of us can understand. Emergency C-section no problem, I understand, though how it took 7 hours I can't fathom. But that she wasn't aware of Sher's case when there are only a handful of patients on the ward, 5 nurses to inform her, a massive file full of information - that's no excuse, that's either a systemic failure or carelessness. What the hell was she doing for all that time?! She made a bad situation worse by calling the procedure an abortion. I know this may seem nitpicky, but that's not what we're here for. To me, an abortion is something you have when you don't want a baby because you want to focus on your career, you made a mistake or you just plain don't want a baby (these are just examples, it's not for me to judge people's reasons here). We are here to prevent the suffering of our baby and ourselves. This isn't an abortion. The lack of tact or emotional intelligence on the part of the doctor was really quite staggering. At this point Sher yelled at the doctor. Literally yelled at her. The doctor was pretty shocked. This isn't how people react in Hong Kong, normally they will accept things quietly without comment. Sher demanded the doctor go and get me, which she did but only because Sher stopped talking to her. Well played love.

I heard all this secondhand as I was obviously outside the ward when it happened, as is the norm in Hong Kong. Husbands are unwelcome on the maternity ward because, you know we'd all run around checking out the pregnant ladies bewbs as they breast fed. Being born and raised in HK I understand  and accept quite a lot about the local Chinese culture. Many things that perplex or annoy many westerners here don't phase me, they are things I just accept as being part of HK life. But there are some elements of the culture which I just don't understand and can't accept. The treatment of pregnant women is one of them. I see so many local ladies behaving as if they are broken. They shuffle around, never picking up their feet, leaning heavily on their husbands. They wear insanely thick jackets to stay warm, despite it being stifling inside. They lie in bed with their baby screaming next to them and don't even try to move or help it, instead they wait...and wait for the nurse. They speak in whiny, pleading little voices even when they aren't in labor. And their husbands aren't allowed near them for most of their stay in the hospital because they don't want other, strange men around them. This isn't a security issue as it may be in other countries, it's over sensitivity. I just don't understand it. This isn't me saying I don't get what all the fuss is about labor or childbirth, I fully recognise it's incredibly painful - more than I could ever take. I just can't stand, really can't stand the pathetic almost girlish behaviour of so many of the women here. They have every right to show pain, to want or need help, but they aren't helpless they are grown women with jobs, responsibilities and language skills, yet the act as though they are 5. They don't ask for help, they use limp body language to show it, which just adds to the overall sense of helpless childishness. I can't stand it because it's behaviour I would never want to see in my daughter or any other woman. It puts them in a position of weakness, when they are in a position of absolute power. They are in the process of, or have had a baby. They get whatever they want. They just have to ask for it, or even yell for it. Instead so many of these women behave as though they are half dead and incapable of anything, let alone making decisions. It's your pregnancy, your labor, your child - you decide! I have been surrounded by strong, successful and independent women my whole life. No surprise that I married one too.  This has instilled in me an unfailing respect for the strength, intelligence and power of women. But just because a woman is strong, independent, or successful doesn't mean they aren't sensitive and vulnerable too, the difference is they can communicate it in a mature (though it's not always clear if you're a man) way. I have such respect for women, and high expectations of them, I feel terribly disappointed and annoyed when I see them falling into the role of a 50s housewife, or helpless princess. This ward is filled with princesses.

Anyway, I digress. The doctor was clearly still shell shocked when she began to speak with me. Sher had packed her bags by the time I got to her bed, we knew we were leaving. The doctor told us it was too late to administer the drug, if they did Sher would be in labor all night which would be too exhausting. She asked us to come back the next day and we would do the procedure then. She tried asking us a few more questions, - did we want to see the baby after the termination, did we want an autopsy performed, would it be alright if the government incinerated (yes she used that word) body, because if they did there wouldn't be any ashes left over. While I'm sure part of this was down to a language barrier, there's another dimension - she should know how to communicate with patients, she should know what language to use. You don't tell someone you're going to incinerate their baby. We were done. We just wanted to get home and see our baby. So that's how the day ended. We both had a nice drink on the ferry on the way home, smooched Carys when we got home and had great sleep in our own bed. It was a good day yesterday, it had just worn thin by the end of it. We went in expecting a rough day ending in something really quite terrible. The fact that it didn't happen was both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand we want this to be over so we can begin to mourn and move on, on the other hand if that happens it means the pregnancy is really over which is just horrible. Damned if we do, damned if we don't.

So we're back at QM again today. I'm writing this from the waiting area outside the ward. Happily nurse Stephanie is still on duty this morning and is being lovely to Sher. They administered the medication within half an hour of us arriving and Sher is already starting to feel stirrings. Incidentally, the medication they use here in HK is called Misoprostol. It is actually an ulcer preventative, at least that's what it was developed and marketed as. Outside the U.S. it's used to induce labor, abortions and terminations. Unfortunately it has lots of side effects which aren't fun. Still, we're both happy that we're on our way now but we're both scared too. Fingers crossed this will be over soon and Sher has a quick recovery.