I was supposed to go out last night. I didn't. It was an opportunity for me to connect with some of the new people I'm working with. I feel pretty shitty about not going because I said I would and then bailed. This isn't totally unusual for me. People think I'm anti-social, I'm not. I love being with other people and having a good time. I don't go out much for a few reasons. Well two really.
I find going out on my own with people I'm unfamiliar with to be difficult. It's not because I'm an asshole though. Not always anyway. I've never been a social butterfly, I always had my group of friends and that was enough for me. I didn't go out partying when I was younger except in the first year of uni and that was because I had friends who also wanted to go out or who worked behind the bar so I could get cheap drinks. When I get to a party or whatever social event it is I'm fine and 95% of the time I'll enjoy myself and be glad I went. Getting there is always a challenge though. Partly it's because I don't like to leave the kids at home with a babysitter. We use a great person and the kids love her, but I just prefer to be with my semi-insane offspring. I've said it before, I'm acutely aware that my kids are only going to be this little for a short period of time. Carys is already 5, she looks completely different now and is still changing everyday. Benny is getting bigger and more assertive, he's changing as well. I just never want to waste an opportunity to be with my kids while they still want to be with me. They amaze me everyday, and I say this without exaggeration. They also drive me up the wall and I want them to leave me alone sometimes, particularly when they wake me in the middle of the night by screaming my name across the hallway. Still, I'd prefer to be with them than out at a party. Mostly. So, reason one, I don't like to leave my kids but that's actually never a deal breaker and is something I can get over. On to reason two!
I get incredibly anxious before going out. I feel my body become more and more tense. There's a little voice in my head which tells me I'd be much happier if I just stayed at home. I could read a book, play games, be with the kids, cook or just rest. It's says "you know you don't really want to go. If you stayed home you be much more comfortable. No traffic, no 'meeting social expectations', no talking about things you don't really care about." The voice knows ever reason why I don't want to leave the house. "They'll be drinking and you don't really like that, they'll talk about 'the markets', finance, or maybe even sports. Nothing on the face of the Earth turns you off more than some alpha male blowhard talking about how great/shit their favourite team is right now. Or some wanker banker talking about the millions they've made in the blah, blah, blah money, blah, blah, blah, tiny penis. What do you care about it. You know you can't feign interest in any of that. Stay home. Be creative and be alone, it's what you say makes you happy." The trouble is it doesn't make me happy at all. I feel crushingly lonely while the voice is speaking, it's a physical sensation in my chest. The voice speaks so loudly it drowns out the other voice which quietly says "I rather like people actually, and I have a good time with them." If I'm with Sher I'll go because there's safety in going with her. The voice still shouts but Sher reminding me to get ready is far louder and more intimidating, not to mention her voice is actually real.
Being in a new country with new people makes things all the more isolating. Sher is incredibly outgoing. She literally made friends here before we even left Hong Kong. She's now well connected with a strong base of friends. I'm not. There are people I work with who I definitely would like to be with outside of work, but I don't know how to ask which sounds incredibly stupid but I just don't. It's not something I've ever really done. I didn't even ask Sher out on a date, we met at a bar and she asked/dared me to meet her in Macau the next day, I didn't have to do anything except turn up for the hot lady. We recently had a party at our house which was brilliant because the people were lovely and we played a game which is something I love to do. In this case it was Cards Against Humanity, if you haven't heard of it then watch the video below, in fact just watch it because it's fun (skip to 4:15 to see exactly how much fun...just make sure you aren't at work and the kids are around).
I love tabletop games. They afford me the opportunity to have a really good time and be really sociable too, both of which I enjoy. The trouble is, the moment you start talking about tabletop games is the moment people's eyes glaze over and they begin to fantasize about a runaway train crashing through the wall and narrowly missing them (but tragically not you). People associate tabletop games with three things.
So what to do. I can't not go out ever again, I can't not make new friends, and I definitely can't bail on people continually because then, whether I like it or not, I will be an asshole. I want to go out, connect with people and do what they're interested in. So what I'm going to do is be more sociable. I'll say yes a little more. I'm also going to actively seek out the things I'm interested in, and if those things don't exist I'm going to create them and hope they succeed. And if you're someone I've stood up before please know it wasn't personal and that I really regret it. It wasn't you, it was me and my anxiety.
Quick & Fun
I find going out on my own with people I'm unfamiliar with to be difficult. It's not because I'm an asshole though. Not always anyway. I've never been a social butterfly, I always had my group of friends and that was enough for me. I didn't go out partying when I was younger except in the first year of uni and that was because I had friends who also wanted to go out or who worked behind the bar so I could get cheap drinks. When I get to a party or whatever social event it is I'm fine and 95% of the time I'll enjoy myself and be glad I went. Getting there is always a challenge though. Partly it's because I don't like to leave the kids at home with a babysitter. We use a great person and the kids love her, but I just prefer to be with my semi-insane offspring. I've said it before, I'm acutely aware that my kids are only going to be this little for a short period of time. Carys is already 5, she looks completely different now and is still changing everyday. Benny is getting bigger and more assertive, he's changing as well. I just never want to waste an opportunity to be with my kids while they still want to be with me. They amaze me everyday, and I say this without exaggeration. They also drive me up the wall and I want them to leave me alone sometimes, particularly when they wake me in the middle of the night by screaming my name across the hallway. Still, I'd prefer to be with them than out at a party. Mostly. So, reason one, I don't like to leave my kids but that's actually never a deal breaker and is something I can get over. On to reason two!
I get incredibly anxious before going out. I feel my body become more and more tense. There's a little voice in my head which tells me I'd be much happier if I just stayed at home. I could read a book, play games, be with the kids, cook or just rest. It's says "you know you don't really want to go. If you stayed home you be much more comfortable. No traffic, no 'meeting social expectations', no talking about things you don't really care about." The voice knows ever reason why I don't want to leave the house. "They'll be drinking and you don't really like that, they'll talk about 'the markets', finance, or maybe even sports. Nothing on the face of the Earth turns you off more than some alpha male blowhard talking about how great/shit their favourite team is right now. Or some wanker banker talking about the millions they've made in the blah, blah, blah money, blah, blah, blah, tiny penis. What do you care about it. You know you can't feign interest in any of that. Stay home. Be creative and be alone, it's what you say makes you happy." The trouble is it doesn't make me happy at all. I feel crushingly lonely while the voice is speaking, it's a physical sensation in my chest. The voice speaks so loudly it drowns out the other voice which quietly says "I rather like people actually, and I have a good time with them." If I'm with Sher I'll go because there's safety in going with her. The voice still shouts but Sher reminding me to get ready is far louder and more intimidating, not to mention her voice is actually real.
Being in a new country with new people makes things all the more isolating. Sher is incredibly outgoing. She literally made friends here before we even left Hong Kong. She's now well connected with a strong base of friends. I'm not. There are people I work with who I definitely would like to be with outside of work, but I don't know how to ask which sounds incredibly stupid but I just don't. It's not something I've ever really done. I didn't even ask Sher out on a date, we met at a bar and she asked/dared me to meet her in Macau the next day, I didn't have to do anything except turn up for the hot lady. We recently had a party at our house which was brilliant because the people were lovely and we played a game which is something I love to do. In this case it was Cards Against Humanity, if you haven't heard of it then watch the video below, in fact just watch it because it's fun (skip to 4:15 to see exactly how much fun...just make sure you aren't at work and the kids are around).
- First and foremost they think of those enforced games of Monopoly/Game of Life/Charades/Pictionary we all had to play when we were young because our drunk Aunt/Cousin/Friend thought it'd be hilarious.
- Second they think of that guy who was ALL about winning in the last game they played; you know the one, he high-fived everyone excessively, sprayed you with spit as he exclaimed how hard he was going to own your ass and always, ALWAYS called you bro or bra. We shall henceforth refer to this type of person as FuckFace.
- Lastly people think of awkward geeks breathing heavily as they recount their heroic D&D (Dungeons & Dragons) exploits, especially that time they rescued Princess Askaro'th from the High Priests of The Temple of Fire, the savages had made her wear a leather bodice at least 3 sizes too small so her endowments we thrust almost vertically, spilling out... (cue foggy glasses, wheezing and an inhaler puff).
So what to do. I can't not go out ever again, I can't not make new friends, and I definitely can't bail on people continually because then, whether I like it or not, I will be an asshole. I want to go out, connect with people and do what they're interested in. So what I'm going to do is be more sociable. I'll say yes a little more. I'm also going to actively seek out the things I'm interested in, and if those things don't exist I'm going to create them and hope they succeed. And if you're someone I've stood up before please know it wasn't personal and that I really regret it. It wasn't you, it was me and my anxiety.
Quick & Fun
Longer & Super Fun
Much Longer, Super Creative, & Super Fun
