True Cliches

In the deep mists of time, long before I had kids of my own, I remember people telling me about what it was like to be a parent. Usually these people were my own parents, maliciously wishing my own crappy behaviour onto my kids so I might experience just how much of a shit I was. Well their wishes haven't come true...yet. As for the other people, they usually had kids and would say the usual things about sleep or sex, you get none of either after kids. I never really liked hearing this because I knew my kids would be different. Sleepless nights? Not my child, they'll sleep through till morning. Sexless marriage? Please, we'll be at it like rabbits (very quiet, safe rabbits avoiding making more bunnies or waking the ones we already have). Fussy eaters? They'll be mini gourmands, lapping up whatever delicious treat they're given; "Daddy I'm loving this pork terrine with the red wine reduction, thank goodness you didn't get me that boil in a bag pasta with oven ready chips!"

Well turns out that certain clichés exist because they're actually true. We have two kids now and i think its safe to say that i haven't slept through the night in nearly 4 years. Exhaustion has become a state of being rather than a feeling at the end of a jolly busy day. The bags under my eyes have bags of their own. If, by some miracle, both kids sleep through the night I know i would wake up thinking something was wrong and do that creepy parent thing where you stare at your child to make sure they're still breathing. Or I shove my finger under their nose to feel for breath. I can guarantee you that doing either will wake your child, sometimes causing mild terror / psychological trauma. 

You know he's going to need a diaper change.

The sexless marriage part is also true, but, mainly because of the not sleeping. Ever. My baby wakes me at 5:30am every morning. We have our morning routine, then i go to work for 8 or so hours. I come home and maybe have half an hour to myself before I pick up my daughter. Literally. She gets off her school bus and I carry her home. Then she wants to be thrown around, or to fly, or for the Tickle Monster (me) to run around after her till she pees on me from laughing too much. That last part happens most days, but its girl pee which is harmless or gives me super powers, plus I shower everyday so I don't smell of hobo. My daughter weighs about 40-50 pounds, my son maybe 20. When was the last time you threw a giggling, flayling, potentially peeing 50 pound weight over your head? I'm developing killer biceps and deltoids but my back is buggered and I generally need a lie down afterwards. Once playtime is done it's dinner, bath, clean teeth, stories and bed time. All that takes an hour or more and isn't finished until 8pm at the earliest. That's assuming there haven't been massive tantrums from one or both kids. After all that, the carrying, the throwing, the tantrums, arguments, thrown food and ritual soaking of the bathroom, the last thing I want is rampant sexual antics. My wife and I collapse on the couch and stare at the TV or just go to bed. The odd occasions when we do have the energy or inclination to have a go, it usually starts with one of us saying "let's do this!" or "we can do this" like we're going to climb bloody Everest. Sometimes I'll put on my Borat accent and tell Sher "it's sexy time" which really helps set the mood, and is way better than "brace yourself love!".

Thankfully food isn't really an issue for our kids. They eat well and aren't too fussy, but meal times are becoming a pain in the ass. Our daughter is refusing to eat, not listening when asked to eat or just plays withher food. This usually ends with her going to bed and sobbing for a few minutes. Its heart breaking on the one hand because she hates being alone, not because she's scared but because she feels lonely. On the other hand, just eat the fucking food! My son can be a fusspot at meal times, mainly because he wants to feed himself now. He's not quite one and a half so he usually ends up wearing more food than he eats. Tonight he tipped his bowl of pasta over his head, wore the bowl as a hat and laughed happily. It was really funny, so it's not all bad and at least our kids have a sense of humour.

I feel so haggard, thank goodness for my heinz baby moisturiser.

At the end of the day my wife and I find ourselves laughing more than anything else. What other choice do we have? I can't fathom being a miserable sod, it takes too much energy and I need all the energy I have to be a good Dad and husband, and occasionally for sexy times.

Newton's Law of Parental Motion

Sir Isaac Newton essentially created modern day physics back in 1687 when he published his work detailing the three laws of motion and the universal law of gravitation. Thanks to him we all understand what, literally, makes the world go round. We now have a plausible explanation for why the Earth doesn't shoot off into the cosmos like a mishit cue ball, as opposed to the old classics such as the theory of elemental attraction (earth to earth, water to water etc), or because we're at the mercy of God and if you masturbate again young Jim he'll be right displeased and kill us all. This last theory was known to prompt great scepticism in the listeners, along with mumbled apologies, embarrassed exclamations of "Muuuuuum don't talk about that!", and much washing of rather stiff sheets.

However, for years no one has known about Newton's Laws of Parental Motion (Motus Legem Parentis) or indeed any of his Parental Laws (Parentum Iura). This is possibly because it relates only to people with infants. Scientists are known to be rather reclusive and somewhat socially awkward, so procreating can be difficult for them. Physicists have an added reluctance to engage in sex as it falls firmly in the field of biology and that terribly wishy washy field of sociology. Its because there are a lack of scientists with children that we have yet to hear of Newton's Parental Laws. Incidentally its also the reason no teenager wants to be a a scientist, lack of sex being a massive deterrent. So what are Newton's Laws of Parental Motion? I shall explain.

Newton's first Law of Parental Motion states that the mass of an object will increase exponentially when placed in a darkened room containing a sleeping infant, the second law sates that any attempts at silent motion by parents in the room containing the sleeping infant are rendered impossible. His third law states that the amount of noise made by a parent is inversely proportional to how heavily or lightly the infant is sleeping, it is also directly proportional to the new, 'infant influenced' mass of the object making the noise. 

In layman's terms, if you drop a pin while your child is sleeping it will make the same amount of noise as if you had dropped a box full of pins (the box being the same size as a small child), and at the moment of impact the infant will be sleeping very lightly guaranteeing they will wake up. Another example is of parents attempting to walk quietly through the room. During daylight hours this can be achieved with relative ease, even when parents have consumed their recommended daily alcohol allowance before 11am. However when faced with this task at night, and having been forced into sobriety, parents will always step on squeaking floor boards which previously didn't exist; and their footsteps which just hours before would have put a ninja to shame with their swishing silence, now sound remarkably like a herd of wildebeest leaping clumsily through the room wearing combination tap / work boots that are two sizes too big. Given the scale of the noise, we can assume the sleeping infant will be deeply asleep at the time but not so deeply asleep that they don't hear the noise, waking in terror for their lives and screaming to let all persons within a 50 metre radius know this.

A more recent, real world example would be a father who attempted to carry a small glass of water from his bedside out of the room. The parent in question was sober at the time, having only consumed double the legal limit of alcohol to get him through the bedtime routine. When relating the incident later, he said the glass of water was not particularly full, nor did it seem heavy or unstable. However, within walking just 2 metres from his bedside the glass of water became highly unstable, resulting in what seemed like a half an ocean's worth of water but was really only half a glassful being slopped all over the floor, bed sheets and the man's pants. A great deal of cursing ensued before he got a towel and cleaned up the water. Interestingly, the infant didn't wake immediately, instead it remained asleep for a time. This phenomenon is known as the 'Relief Lull', whereby the parents falsely believe they have gotten away with making a noise and not waking the baby. They sigh with relief (some giggle) then continue on with whatever they had planned. The infant, sensing the parents are once again relaxed and unsuspecting waits for anywhere between 2-5 minutes before waking and crying; this is just enough time to allow the parents to get started with their chosen activity and thus cause maximum annoyance. This was certainly the case with the man mentioned above, who had just sat down to watch his favourite geek tv show.

As with Newton's laws,there is a possible link between his Laws of Parental Motion and a newly theorised Universal Law of Infant Gravitation (Lex universa est, infans Gravitas). It has been suggested that infants exert a strong gravitational influence on select members of society such as the elderly, broody women, new mothers, and mothers who judge other mothers. The infants gravitational field pulls these people in to give cuddles, kisses, cheek pinches and otherwise forces these rational people to dance like a marionette for the infant's entertainment. This phenomenon has been seen to occur at great distances, and its been observed that the chubbier the infant the greater it's gravitational pull.

So what conclusions can we draw from all this? First there is an exciting new field of science to be studied! Second, parents drink to excess. Third parents should give up all attempts at moving quietly during the night when their sleeping infant is present. Forth, babies are cunning little bastards who will make you their bitch given the opportunity. And fifth, babies may have super powers of attraction. Damn their cute chubbiness and smiles.

Reasons My Son Cries

I've been meaning to post this for a while. My wee man Benny is a sensitive little soul and cries for pretty much any reason. So I've decided to list some of those reasons here, it's by no means a complete list and isn't in any particular order. I hope to update it from time to time. Let us begin:

• The lions are coming!
• I'm awake!
• I'm still fucking awake!
• Why am I awake?!
• Why haven't you put me to sleep yet?!
• You're trying to get me to sleep!
• I fell asleep for a moment!
• You don't have boobs!
• Where are the boobs?
• You're not my Mum!
• I'm hungry!
• I'm tired!
• I'm covered in shit!
• I'm covered in barf!
• You're squeezing me too tight!
• You aren't squeezing me tight enough!
• Something loud happened!
• I gotta burp/fart/crap/barf!
• No really, the lions are coming!!
• I'm not screwing around, I really heard the lions this time!
• Stranger!
• Why is this strange person pinching me!
• Elderly person!
• You picked my boogers!
• My teeth hurt!
• You gave me medication for my teeth!
• No one has cuddled me for more than 2 minutes?! I need attention.
• Why aren't you looking at me?!
• Just fucking with ya, I'm not really upset.